Transformation

10/20 pm - Today was so amazing I had to post twice today!  I really enjoy how we start out each yoga teacher training class.  Libby, our instructor, reads from a book called 40 Days to Personal Tranformation.  Today's 2 laws were: 1) Be true to yourself - be who you are as a teacher and a student.  2) Be still and know.

Both of them hit home for me. Be true to yourself.  This is all about authenticity - being yourself, not trying to be someone else.  I spent too many years doing that.  I now know that when I am authentic, I am so much more comfortable, I like myself better, other people like me better, I have better relationships and feel more at peace.  I want this for others, and seek to draw it out of them in conversation.  I have realized I have a strong gift of intuition, and I am listening to it now more than ever.  Many people are intuitive, but they discount it and don't listen to it.  I did that, have regrets about it, and don't want that anymore.  When someone isn't being authentic, there is a sense of disconnect.  You can just feel it.  I could talk about this for an hour, but I won't.  I talk about this more in the book I am writing.  You'll just have it when it comes out in the summer of 2012!

Be still and know.  As I sit writing this, I am looking at a book of the same name by Millie Stamm sitting on my table.  I read from it most mornings.  This phrase comes from Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God."  Instead of running and doing, focus on just being. We are human beings, not human doings. When we grow up believeing we ARE our success and accomplishments, our self-esteem and self-worth become based on what we DO and not who we ARE.  We set ourselves up for a situation where perfection is the only right answer. In that scenario, we fail, and are thus failures.  This is no way to live.  I have realized that I spent much of my life living in this model, trying to please others, trying to DO rather than be, never satisfied.  No wonder I never felt successful! 

By being still, we also become quiet.  Quieting our mind allows us to get the ego, the to-do list, the worries out for the moment.  This is probably one of my absolute favorite things about yoga!  Not only do I get a fabulous workout for my body, I get an opportunity and a benefit of being still, being quiet....just being.  I become calmer, more present, and more creative.  It's like spring cleaning and decluttering your house - except you're doing that for your mind.  The focus and concentration on my practice, combined with intermittent periods of rest, and final savasana, pays dividends the rest of the day and for days to come.  I want this so much for everyone.  I am in yoga teacher training to share this amazing gift with others. Namaste.

Let Go

10/20 - Wow.  It is amazing after 14 years of practicing yoga to discover and experience a new style of yoga I have never tried before, Anusara.  It was fantastic!  It is slow, intentional, deep, introspective, thoughtful, both calming and invigorating, expansive and centering.  At the beginning of class our instructor asked us to think about a word that we would want to hold with us today and forever, living it and embracing it, and really focusing on in the upcoming year.  By putting that intention out into the universe, amazing things will happen.  That she was sure of.  If we hadn't come up with a word yet, she suggested "purity."  As I focused on this word while practicing today, this incredible rush went through my body when I was in a twist - I can only describe it as a profound sense of peace; that everything was going to be alright.  This was a huge relief!  I have been under a lot of stress lately, with work issues and challenges with my teenager - behavior, health problems, attitude, school, college planning, lying, just to name a few.  Our family schedules have been crazy with parent teacher conferences, end of varsity sports season events, my husband working a lot of overtime, and work deadlines for me, and time away from my family with my yoga teacher training.  Peace was welcomed.

This Anusara class was yet another turning point for me.  I have a tendency to analyze things to death, showing up with a pre-determined notion of how things are supposed to be and go, setting expections, trying to control, and then beieng all jacked up when they don't turn out or go the way my brain decided they should.  Where does that usually leave me?  Sitting in disappointment, frustration, and failure.  Lately I have been "putting it out there" to let go and be open, not putting limitations or designs on HOW things should get done.   If we are married to HOW it will happen, we actually are limiting ourselves, the situation, and others. God is way more creative than we will ever be.  The phrase "Let go and let God" rushes back to my consciousness.  I can't even imagine all that God can do, or how He can do it, or even the results, so letting go allows for more opportunities, more options, and even better things to come!

Acceptance

10/19 - Last night was physically difficult for me.  We taught the balancing series, which means we teach it once to our small class and do it 6 times as everyone takes turns. Then we learned the hip opening series - not my favorite.  My new term for pigeon pose is the angry bird pose, because it makes me angry when I do it.  I struggle to maintain my balance in crescent lunge, which is basically a runners lunge with your hands over your head.  The stability in my hips is fragile from the car accident, so I feel like I am going to fall over in the posture.  It seems to take an inordinate amount of strength for me to hold it, and I usually end up putting my knee down.  Here's where the acceptance part comes in - this is a posture I need to accept,  quit worrying about, stop fighting it and wishing I could do it better.   Right now, I can't do it any better, and that is ok. 

I am so wiped out by the end of class I am shaking and feel weak.  My fellow teacher trainee, Gretchen, clearly sees my weakness (I am probably pale at this point) and offers me a granola bar, which I gratefully accept.  Once I am home, I climb the stairs, one stair at a time like a toddler does, except slower.  I'm not sleepy at all, just physically exhausted and realizing my blood sugar is probably low.  Paying for forgetting my post Prana flow class protein shake!  One can't do 4 1/2 hours of yoga straight without some sort of nutrients, at least I can't.  I already know this.  Note to self - fuel up, and don't beat yourself up.  You are where you are.  I believe Popeye said something like that:  " I yam what I am, and that's all that I yam."

Two weeks in

Saturday, 10/15/11 - It's been two weeks since I started teacher training.  Yesterday was a day of successes and failures, at least that is how I felt that day.  Every day in yoga is different.  One day you are strong and balanced, and the next day, not so much.  Physically, my practice was awesome.  I felt good and strong.  I noticed improvement in a number of postures both in strength and control.  I even had a few firsts, taken some postures to a new level I had not been able to do before and even doing some new ones I had never been able to master.  I was so excited! 

And then, failure.  It was my turn to teach the first half of our series to the class.  I was excited, and a bit nervous.  I had not practiced as much as I had wanted to, but nevertheless felt ready enough.  I had visions of it going smoothly, knew what I wanted to say, the tone I wanted to set and how I wanted to start.  I left the room to come in fresh, mimicking entry into a real class setting.  When I reached for the door to enter, I found it....locked. I tried several times and could not get the door to open; my concentration broke. The door is never locked!  I had to knock and have someone let me in.  This unerved me bit, but still I started off strong.   I brought everyone's attention inward, read a couple sentences from the book I am reading, Bringing Yoga to Life by Donna Farhi, and began.  The first section went smoothly - yes!  In the second, I began to get nervous.  I lost my train of thought and the words I wanted to say.  Somehow, I managed to get through the second part without anyone noticing.  At least I don't think anyone noticed!  In the third part, I was quieter than I had planned to be, rushed through some postures, and continued to get more nervous.  Then I completely fell apart, forgetting the order of postures, confusing everyone else, and myself.  I wanted to just start over.  Libby, our instructor, jumped in at the end to start teaching us the next series to continue the flow, if there was a flow at this point.  Training continued, but I was upset with myself the rest of the day.  I vowed to practice more, schedule my practice time, and free up my schedule for the next couple of weeks.  Unfortunately, the next four days were completely packed with work, doctor appointments, kids activities and more.  Somehow, it would work out.  As much as I have going on, and my teenager being a teenager, I should be pretty stressed out about now.  Deep breath.....thank goodness I am doing a lot of yoga.

Feeling groovy

The next morning, I decided to get up even earlier and head to another yoga class, a hot one (100 degrees) set to music.  I had done this series before, but not to music, and not at 6am. To my surprise and delight, our training instructor is guiding the practice that morning.   She keeps the lights low, speaks quietly and sparingly.  While the music plays, she cues us into our postures, and does them with us. It is very meditative and slow; quite different from my usual hectic Monday morning getting the kids to school and going straight to work.  This is good. 

I do feel a little unbalanced today, and struggle to hold the poses for the full minute each.  My muscles are shaking the whole way through each one.  Yesterday I was feeling stronger, today weaker.   I know my muscles are tired - today is my 5th day in a row of doing yoga classes, and 10 days into my training program.  I have done about 24 hours of yoga in those 10 days.  Is my body telling me I need to take a day off?  However, I know to get stronger I need to push through the resistence, just as I do in life.  I'm not fighting it, like I usually do.  I am accepting the limitations and where I am, confident I will continue to get stronger, and relaxing into my own practice.  It is not a race, I tell myself.  Enjoy the journey - that is where life is lived.  I am finding I am less critical of myself and more aware, just focusing on where I am and how I can do just a little bit more.

At 45, I am one of the oldest people in my yoga teacher training program, which physically puts me at a disadvantage.  Combined with my recent car accident (4 months ago), and still in physical therapy for injuries sustained in it, I am struggling to keep up this rigorous schedule. However, I do have the advantage of years of yoga, life experience and the wisdom I bring.  Today is going to be great day.  Actually, it already is.

A new yoga day

On Sunday morning, I get up early and decide to head into the studio to try new style of yoga called Agni Flow, with a teacher I hadn't practiced with before.  I was tired, and really just wanted to stay in bed, but my committment and determination got me there - not going just wasn't an option.  Besides, I have never once gone to a yoga class and afterwards wished I hadn't gone - not ever.

I arrive at the studio to find a fellow teacher-in-training there for the same class.  We end up being the only 2 attendees that morning and basically enjoy a one on two private yoga class - lucky us!  We asked questions, got adjustments, received detailed explanations of poses and modifications, listened to some philopsophy of yoga styles, and of course did lots of yoga.  It was a fabulous practice, and started my day off beautifully!  I was more present at church that morning and with my family that afternoon.   My body is adjusting to the frequent, intense and lengthy yoga sessions.  I am finally less sore today and feeling stronger than I have in years.  I like it.  I like it alot.

Day 4 - Yoga Teacher Training

I tell some of my fellow teachers in training about my experience the day before of being so angry for hours after the Yin yoga class.  Unsurprised, they share with me that that can happen, is ok, and actually common.  I google it and discover that the hips store anger, blame, guilt, power and control, as can the low back.  Both are sore.  I so need a massage.  I must have been storing some old anger in there, and it came out yesterday from class.  I guess that is a good thing! 

Training today went well, though I am feeling overwhelmed with all there is to learn.   For each posture we must know so many things, and as we add new ones, my brain begins to jumble things up.  We obviously need to know what the poses looks like and how to do them.  We also need to know their benefits, adjustments, modifications, verbal cues to get people in and out of the poses, and the both the english and Sanskrit names for them  How on earth am I going to remember all this, I wonder?  It's been a few years since I was in school.  Studying, memorizing and sitting down taking a test are one thing.  I was pretty good at that.  Moving, memorizing, and then teaching it to our whole class is quite another. If you fail a test in school, only you and the teacher know.  If you fail in teacher training, you fail in front of everyone.  I begin to get nervous about next week's teaching segment.  I tell myself, "practice and repetition."  The more I do it, feel it and teach it, the easier it will come.  Now my challenge is balancing the time I need to practice and study with a heavy workload next week and looming deadlines.

Day 3 - Yoga Teacher Training

I paced myself better for last night's training, opting out of the rigorous group class before my teacher training session, eating more and hydrating.  I felt better, more alert and able to make it through the evening strong.  Today, I took a Yin yoga class, which is a mellow, hip opening, slow class that is designed to be relaxing and restore the body to a state of harmony.  Ahh, that sounds good. I need that.  I had a different experience.  Instead, I left class unsettled.  As the day went on I became angry, and remained that way for most of the rest of the day. What is going on?  I have never felt like this after a yoga class before; I have always felt better when I left than when I went in.  I am perplexed. Some of the poses were slightly painful (I went too deep), and challenging for me.  Again, I did not expect this either.  The only thing I can think of is that all that stretching and deep joint opening released some old, stored emotions that needed to come out.  I'll ask about this at class tomorrow.  They say every day in yoga is a different experience.  You got that right!

Day 2 - Yoga Teacher Training

At 11pm, I fall, literally, into bed after my first weeknight yoga teacher training class.  Last Saturday I was spent by the end of class; and I had started fresh in the morning.  Tonight's class started at 5:30pm, and I had been up since 5:30am and had a full work day.  My body feels wiped out.  I can barely type.  My turn to teach the series we were learning that night was at 9:50 pm.  I am normally asleep by this hour. I felt guilty for being so tired, and that my fellow classmates had to suffer through my sleepy teaching series.  I was so exhausted, I could barely stand at the front of the room, much less command it, sound energetic, or even think clearly.  I did not do well. But, I did it.

Did I eat enough food today? No.  Did I drink enough water today? No. I try to avoid caffeine most of the time, but I am wondering if I should reconsider that. Part of our training is doing different yoga classes, as well as learning how to teach. I took a new yoga class for me today, Prana Flow just before training.  I didn't know what to expect, which was a good thing, or I would have been aprehensive. It was harder than I thought, hotter than I anticipated, and more strenuous than I expected.  I was wiped out after the class and ready to go home and go to bed.  And I had 4 hours of yoga training class ahead of me.  Coffee anyone?  As I am sitting in bed writing this, my dog is sprawled on the futon couch in our bedroom. He looks like I feel - dog tired.

Normally yoga energizes me.  Normal is 60-90 minutes of yoga.  5 hours of yoga is whole 'nother deal.  I can't even remember the last time by body felt this empty, weak, spent.  Maybe after a long weekend in college?  Clearly I need to be doing something differently.  I am 4 days in and barely functioning!

I begin to question my decision. What have I done?  What have I gotten myself into?  Am I too old for this?  If I am going to be this exhausted every day, how I am going to do class, learn, and expect to work and take care of my family?

I wake up the next morning sore, really sore.  Hamstrings, ouch.  Shoulders, chest and triceps, ouch.  Dozens of sun salutations will do that.  I am clearly dehydrated, and realizing I did not eat enough calories the day before, and am so tired I feel like I am in some sort of trance.  I remain this way all day.  This is not good.  After a full day of work and parent teacher conferences, I can barely complete a sentence. I vow to drink more water, take my vitamins, eat more frequently and more protein and calories and spread my practice and training out a bit for a few days until I break through this inital wall.  I am used to working out.  I work out at least 3 days a week lifting weights, attending yoga, doing cardio, hiking, something  I thought I was in decent shape......not.  Again, I wonder, am I too old for this? No is the first word that comes to mind.

The first hot yoga class I ever took was 13 years ago from a woman in her 50s.  She looked like she was 35, and was in spectacular physical shape.  I remember being in awe of her body and presence.  I can do this, I told myself.  I CAN DO THIS!

My 1st Day of yoga teacher training

I took my first yoga class when I was pregnant with my second child.  It was 1997, and a prenatal yoga class at my gym.  During the meditation portion of the class, we were to visualize a beautiful meadow, river or other peaceful place.  All I could visualize was beef, specifically a nice, juicy steak. Mind you, I hadn't eaten red meat in 10 years at that time.  I raced to the store and found the meat counter closed at 9pm at night, and came home with some hamburger meat and grilled burgers, much to my husband's surprise and delight. Days later, I made him take me to Outback Steakhouse for that steak I was still craving.  The following week, I found out I was anemic, and my body was craving iron - something beef has a lot of.  This was my first experience of the power of yoga to help you calm your mind, listen to your body, and learning to trust my intuition.
     Fourteen years later, countless other experiences of yoga have provided me with clarity, calmed me when stressed, lifted me up when I was down, and grounded me.   Yoga helps me to be a better me.  When I do yoga, I am more focused, less stressed, more productive, and relaxed.  My body feels stronger, my mind feels clearer, and my spirit soars.  I am a better wife, mother, and friend. I am more creative and do better work.  After years of praising its benefits, and encouraging everyone to "try it, you'll like it," I enrolled in a 200 hour yoga teacher training program.  My goal is to not only deepen my own practice, but now be able to share my love for yoga and its benefits with thousands of others through teaching it, writing about it, and of course, practicing it.
     Today was our first class.  Appropriately, we began with a yoga class - a 70-minute hot yoga class that is challenging, centering, and leaves you dripping in sweat in a state of bliss, with a smile on your face, peace in your heart, calm in your mind, and hunger in your belly. Normally, that would be my exercise for the day.  Today, it was just the beginning. We proceeded to do 4 more hours of yoga, AND started teaching to our fellow teachers-in-training on the first day!  I was so nervous and excited at the same time.  The instructor kept using words that my personal coach and I had just talked about the day before; words that define me, inspire me, and mold me.  Words like determination, awareness, authentic, potential, transforming, trust, freedom. I was mezmorized.  I knew I was right where I was supposed to be.  Nevermind my arms were shaking from being in downward dog off and on for 4 hours, or my stomach was growling because I hadn't eaten enough for lunch to sustain me. I was so grateful and joyful to be there.  I can hardly wait for my next training class on Tuesday.  Now, I just have to be able to get out of bed tomorrow morning - I can already feel the soreness creeping in.